Part 2: What’s the Difference Between Dependency & Codependency?
In a recent post, I discussed some of the possible causes of codependency. Codependency is an interpersonal dynamic in which one person constantly plays the role of giver. This promotes an unhealthy form of reliance on the other person. As a result, both people are stuck in a repetitive loop of behaviors.
The differences can be subtle at times, but codependency is not the same thing as dependency. For example, a dependent person may actively seek out what their partner can give — and they know they are doing this. Codependency more often involves a blurring of what the people involved realize they are doing.
Common Signs of Codependency
As I featured in my recent post, here are some of the behaviors and tendencies you may notice in a codependent person:
Inability to set and enforce boundaries, difficulty saying “no”
A need to control their surroundings (including the people close to them)
People-pleasing and a desire to be liked by everyone
Neglecting one’s own needs to satisfy a compulsion to care for others
Fear of abandonment
Conflating love and pity
Lack of emotional regulation
Fixating on one’s mistakes
Vague communication due to a fear of displeasing others
Having a need to always be in a relationship
Playing the role of “savior” in another person’s life
What is Dependency?
The last item on the list above is key to understanding the differences between codependency and dependency. In codependency, one person plays the role of the giver to the point of controlling the other. In dependency, one person seeks out such attention — also to the point of controlling. Both dynamics, needless to say, are dysfunctional.
Common Signs of Dependency
Extremely low self-esteem
Feeling the need for others to make them happy and fulfill their dreams
Crying spells
Depression
Idealizing others
Searching for safety and security
Separation anxiety
Jealousy
Going out of their way to be in contact with the other person
Their relationship is by far the top priority in their life
Dependency Often Leads to Codependency
One partner lacks confidence in their ability to handle certain — often basic — tasks. They seek help. The other partner steps up and soon shares the assessment. They also no longer believe their partner can handle certain — often basic — tasks. The first partner continues being dependent. The second part slides down the slippery slope of codependency. Eventually, both dynamics are present and feed off each other.
So, what would a healthy dynamic look like?
What is Interdependence?
Obviously, the goal is never to be fully independent and to never need anyone. We are designed to rely on one another and ask for help when we need it. The key is that we make the interactions mutual. It’s not one person doing all the giving or all the taking. Neither person feels that they “couldn’t live” without the other. This is some of what interdependence looks and feels like.
Qualities of Interdependence:
Balance
Mutual respect
A full sense of who each of you is
Individual identities
Emotional safety
Supporting each other without crossing healthy boundaries
Steady encouragement
Working together to achieve goals, learn new skills, and overcome obstacles
Having an independent and autonomous life beyond your relationship
Clear, healthy, and face-to-face communication
A connection that increases self-esteem for both people
Yes, all of the above is possible. It requires commitment, diligence, and awareness, but you can thrive in this healthy manner. A giant step in this direction involves couples therapy. When you and your partner pledge together to explore and improve your dynamics with the help of an unbiased guide, you set the stage for interdependence.
I invite you to reach out to talk and set up a free consultation.
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