Part 1: What Causes Codependency?
Codependency is a term used to describe a particular type of unhealthy relationship. The concept was originally introduced to describe partners and families of addicts. Over time, however, it’s become more commonly used in the treatment of those who engage in dysfunctional people-pleasing. This scenario is often highlighted by a lack of self-awareness and/or a need to control.
While it is not technically a diagnosable condition, Codependent Personality Disorder overlaps with two conditions that are listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5): Dependent Personality Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder. However, codependency has its own distinct symptoms and causes.
Common Signs of Codependency
Here are just some of the behaviors and tendencies you may notice in a codependent person:
Inability to set and enforce boundaries, difficulty saying “no.”
A need to control their surroundings (including the people close to them).
People-pleasing and a desire to be liked by everyone.
Neglecting one’s own needs to satisfy a compulsion to care for others.
Fear of abandonment.
Conflating love and pity.
Lack of emotional regulation.
Fixating on one’s mistakes.
Vague communication due to a fear of displeasing others.
Having a need to always be in a relationship.
Concurrently, codependent people often display traits like:
Anxiety
Depression
Easily stressed, lack of self-esteem
A dysfunctional family situation
It can be most striking to compare healthy and codependent relationships. Healthy couples share an ideal blend of independence and interdependence. They are individuals who combine to create a relationship.
When a partnership is a codependent relationship, you typically see any of the following:
Power imbalances
Sacrifice
Loss of self
Controlling behaviors
What Causes Codependency?
Like all psychological phenomena, codependency is complex and not easily pinned down to an obvious cause. However, there is agreement that attachment issues in childhood can play a major role. Here are just some of the possible reasons why a person may lean toward codependency as an adult:
Unhealthy Communication
Yes, of course, this is the cause of more issues than can be named. So, add codependency to the growing list. Without open communication and compassionate listening, lots of negative seeds can take root, e.g., guilt, shame, gaslighting, criticism, blame, and dishonesty (to name a few). A child raised in this kind of environment can embrace dysfunctional coping mechanisms when they reach the point of adult relationships.
Problems With Boundaries
This trend was probably modeled for them in their childhood. Everyone, without exception, needs to have a clear sense of where they end, and other people begin. However, this crucial skill is something that must be taught—usually by example.
Childhood Trauma
This can take form in nightmarish situations like:
Abuse (emotional, physical, or sexual)
Substance abuse in the home
Domestic violence in the home
Having a family member dealing with chronic illness or disability
Unfortunately, the list goes on. The connecting thread is that a child does not get the nurturing and guidance they need. They do not feel safe and therefore lean on unhealthy choices to gain some measure of control.
Bullying or Neglect
Both factors can dampen one’s sense of self-esteem. They lack confidence in their independence and, as a result, feel they need someone else to be whole. It comes back to a search for safety. If healthy paths have not been modeled, unhealthy measures are usually taken.
Where Do You Go From Here?
You might be wondering if you are codependent. You might also be unsure how to differentiate between codependency and dependency. In Part 2 of this series, I will delve deeper to address these concerns. In the meantime, I’m here to talk and here to help.
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